I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

  • A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
     
  • Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
     
  • I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
     
  • I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
     
  • Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
     
  • Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.”
     
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
     
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!