For those whose morning buzz lacks glow, don’t give up! A new breakfast cereal promises to top your morning off with speed and efficiency. The first tester of Captain Buzz’s new Spazztroids cereal went 27 days without sleep, after eating only one bowl. During that time, he was able to speed through required doctoral course work and complete his PhD dissertation on “The Hallucinations of a Sleep-Deprived Mind.”
Spazztroids are shaped like familiar space bodies and have all the colorful pizazz of Kix and Trix, without too many of the added nutrients. In fact, Spasstroids’ dominant ingredient is caffeine, not corn meal. And instead of all the gross amounts of sugar and high fructose corn syrup found in most breakfast cereals, Spasstroids relies on an artificial sweetener, Neotame, that is 13,000 times sweeter than sugar.
For all of that caffeine and sweetness, one would expect that Spazztroids contained nothing purely healthful in its mix. Not true. In fact, Spazztroids includes 4 percent of the daily requirement of Vitamin V, 25 percent of the daily requirement of Cadmium, 200 percent of daily Vitamin 4 needs, and 25 percent of our daily Zonc needs. These are ingredients not commonly found in other breakfast cereals.
Another beauty of Spazztroids is that you don’t have to eat a morsel of non-caffeinated food in your breakfast. One bowl of Spazztroids gives you 180 milligrams of pure caffeine, equal to 1.5 cups of strong coffee. And and you can use the caffeinated milk that’s left in the bowl to make nice sweet lattes out of your other 1.5 cups of strong coffee. Oh, happy day!
Spazztroids are available at $4.99 per loaded box at the one-and-only ThinkGeek.com on April Fool’s Day.