Jamie was going to add a bit more highlighter to her hair, but decided she had enough

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait” – – A. Whitney Brown

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The reflections we imagine are far different than the ones we actually cast

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Few people know that the head of an ox needs to be watered regularly. This is
a task best handled by young boys without shirts …but then again, we could be wrong.

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He had a face that just wouldn’t quit

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Teaching penguins is tough, even on a good day. But teaching them how to
do sign language when they don’t even have fingers is a whole ‘nother level of insanity

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If only Steve were still around to enjoy this “Apple Moment”

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It’s not much, but I call it home

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Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee… emphasis on substantial

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Shaving does not come naturally to creatures without opposable thumbs …or with them

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The new face of homelessness …or bank robbers, we’re not quite sure

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Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite wisdom,
sends them a nice plump missionary

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Scaring young children is something that requires practice …lots of practice

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For all of you scriptwriters, in order for you the write a good cliffhanger,
you need to experience one first

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…it’s where baby hamburgers come from

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So what do they get if one side actually wins? Does anyone really care?
Whatever happens, I vote they have a rematch with more team members tomorrow

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Cats, like humans, are predestined to have free will

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…and with one simple gesture, he was able to cause all of the pumpkins
to break their stems and turn orange

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Nosey Nellie was an annoying horse. Note to self. Do not invite her to our next stampede

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Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all float away

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As the Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton often wears disguises when going into Muslim countries

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I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the moon will never make it through the hoop

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This is what happens if you get scared half to death – twice

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Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created

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Sadly, this elephant couldn’t remember having a more memorable time

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Even at age 68, he was still wearing the 500 hats of Bartholemew Cubbins’

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If he doesn’t succeed, he runs the risk of failure

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Farming. It’s not for little people anymore

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“No really! It was this big!”

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Beyond the doubt of a shadow

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The nightmare you think you’re living is never the same as the one that’s actually taking place

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“No, there’s really no point to this. Why do you ask?”

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One famous last gersture!

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